My Dearest Anglo Saxon Audience,

I’ve asked my glamorous rock and roll management to post this letter across the social networking platforms, so that you can find out about the upcoming U.K. Son of Dave (me) tour, and PLAN AHEAD.

Nothing happens anymore without planning ahead. We need credit cards and computer terminals to take a crap these days. The organised rich folk book two months ahead, and will take all the best seats. We will have to poo in the woods unless we check availability and enter our data.

I of course, have booked four months ahead, so I have the best seat in the house- on-stage- where I will lay down some hot new stuff from the NEW ALBUM. Yep, it’s all synchronised and ready to roll. You’ll see me on the Clearwater Billboard on the way home from work, see the video on the top Sexy 10, see the banner on your social networking page, and GULP, you’ll swallow the hook. Crotchety Cult Bluesman is Next Big Thing!

New Record made in Chicago with Albini. New blue smoking jacket ordered from Hefner Estate in California. New steroid injections imported from Russian black market. This time it’s gonna be hard, cheap and sleazy! No hobo blues, no sir, this is celebrity central. Straight to the front cover! Italian Vogue already calling me up for exclusive.

Bugger off, I say. I don’t like yer skinny underage models. I like ‘em big and grown-up and honest. I’ll see you on the dance floor. That’s the plan. Bless you all.

S.O.D.

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